People come and go but I wonder
"why do some need to come back then leave again?"
Yeah I know sounds like a good way to start a drama-story.. hehe.. but I don't think that's what I'm thinking of driving at at this point in time. Just a pondering question that lingered on me since this afternoon.
A guy from my so-called "past" (mine lang coz it was all imaginary hehe) came knocking at my yahoo this afternoon. I was caught off-guard coz never did I expect to ever hear from him again (after 5months more or less of no communication, on is bound to have decided to forget about you or your friendship). The HI in my private message sent my heart pounding as if I ran a mile! hehe.. I was delighted extremely and sudden rush of happiness surged thru my heart to the rest of my body.. it made me smile like the way I used to.. charing! hehe.. in short, I was really genuinely happy. haha.. then a short greeting "Happy Birthday! Laydee" made a tear fall from my eye.. truly no drama.. hehehe... I never thought he would have ever remembered.. and that moment, I was thanking the technology for not failing to remind him na my birthday was coming up.. hehhe.. Yeah! I know it's so drama but this type of feeling doesn't come to me everyday.. hahaha...
then reality check... I realized.. "hey, you cannot just come back into my life after disappearing so fast!" said my inner supladita voice.. then I became skeptical.. questions surrounded by being.. then I popped and asked him. "Why did you disappear bigla?"
His answer crushed my heart..
For the moment, I can't breathe..
Then I read his reply once again... "my GF didn't wan't me chatting"
The several months flashed between my eyes.. moments when I kept on asking myself.. times when I felt so confused.. occasions when I wanted to grab the opportunity to ask him straight with the little courage I had left.. hours when I pondered and reminded myself na maybe he hasn't forgotten the 'friendship'... minutes when I debated and reasoned out na he's just busy.. seconds of stupidity.. milli-seconds of hope..
hayyyy....
"Forget the person" "He's not worth it!" "Wag ka martyr" "Kaw lang makakapag-decision nyan" "Someone that far? I doubt he's ever thinking of you" "Cmon you truly believe u got a chance?" "Maghanap ka na lang ng malapit" "Can't you accept reality?" "Don't be stupid" "It's all in your mind" "It's obvious he doesnt feel anything for you, why can't u see that?".... and all other comments I've been battling all these months and years crept in my heart..
A bowl of Takoyaki with a friend, cold water in my face, few moments of nap, conversations with my mom (to keep my mind off the situation), conversations with a friend laughing at my expense for my martyrdom hehe.. wow.. didn't help.. though in fairness I didn't cry.. It's just difficult talaga to accept reality.
I don't really know how to end and what point I wanted to say with this post.. just want to spill the beans of my heart and somehow remind me in the future to come.. I felt that way.. I was human.
In fairness, I'm not angry.. truly I'm not.. I just want to take this 'love(?)' I've been feeling for the person.. I feel it shouldn't be.. I shouldn't have felt that way eversince pa.. nag-ulaw ulaw lang ko sa akong sarili for doing so.. It's as if I didn't and don't deserve to feel something like that to someone who never really felt that way for me.. in the truest sense, I feel like how Eve felt when she realized she was naked in the Garden of Eden.. I am full of shame for ever thinking he felt something too.. :(
No degree of strategy and tactics, could ever heal this pain in my heart.. this clog in my throat whenever I think about it.. but I know someday someone will come and love me and only me. :) and when that time comes, all the shame in my heart will be forgotten..
Ang kaulaw dili gyud mabayran.. it was all in my mind.
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